The Reason Expectations in Marriage Don’t Work

Whenever I’m asked how I knew whether or not my husband would measure up to my expectations in marriage, I always smile in my head a little bit because…well, I really didn’t have any expectations…but let me explain.

Have you ever expected something from someone and when that expectation wasn’t met you became annoyed? Maybe even frustrated? Dare I say judgmental? We’ve all been there, but how do you get on with your life and still save space in your heart for that person that let you down? Is that even possible to do? Well yes, it is possible my friend, and we are going to dive into how to manage expectations and essentially have none to experience more peace within.

First, I want to say that it is completely okay to expect some things from others. For example, respect. I am a firm believer that respect is just about all one should expect from another human being and unfortunately at times, that can be a stretch. I’ve experienced my portion of expecting certain things from people, only to find myself enraged, disheartened or completely judgmental, all which obviously did me no good and certainly did not contribute to any amount of peace that I was looking to find. It took me years to undo the mountainous thread of feelings that remained from so many unmet expectations. Eventually, through prayer, God’s pruning and heavy evaluation of myself, I had to ask “Stacia, who are YOU to expect that someone meet an expectation that you created from YOUR OWN desires as to what you think should be?” Furthermore, I had to ask myself ” who are YOU to create a measurement of someone that suffices as “well done”, you’re a decent human being because you met my expectations’, you’re not GOD girl!!”

Once I sat with those questions in my head for awhile, I realized that outside of respect, which again, can be a stretch, expectations aren’t always fair and would fare well to be properly managed. The truth is, the expectations that you have are requiring a person to be, act or do something that may literally be outside of their capacity to do. We are all on our own journeys, learning and growing (or not growing) in ways that are within our abilities to do. You can’t force your expectations upon someone that isn’t even in a place mentally, emotionally or spiritually to carry those expectations forward, no matter how hard you try.

The best way to absolve yourself of this perpetual disdain for the short coming of others is simply to not expect anything at all, and if you must expect something, expect every individual to be exactly who they are while truly seeing the best in them. Anything else is unfair to the other person, and yourself. Now…I want to make sure I’m clear when I say that I am not for allowing yourself to be treated terribly by anyone. However, give grace and meet people where they are, otherwise love them from a distance. 

I want to end by saying that one thing you can surely expect is that “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever ( Hebrews 13:8 NIV).” Everyone and everything else is no match for that type of consistency. Allow yourself to have peace by accepting people for who they are and where they are. Not only will this give you instant resolve, but it will also give you space to make room for others in your heart, in your prayers and in your life, even if at a distance. Let your heart be light. Manage those expectations girl.